The Talk, According to Damon
by Cerulean Apocalypse
Summary: Eighteen-year-old Damon must give twelve-year-old Stefan 'The Talk'. Oneshot.


Author's Note: I've seen a lot of 'The Talk' fics in other archives, so I thought it would be fun to do a TVD one. Since Giuseppe Salvatore didn't seem to be too close to Stefan and Damon, it seems plausible that Damon was the one who talked to Stefan. Plus, I love their bromance. Enjoy, and Just keep in mind, especially to all younger readers: I HIGHLY discourage you from actually taking anything in this fic-especially anything Damon says- seriously. This is just the way I think Damon would see things. It doesn't mean you should take his advice.

Also, I don't own the Vampire Diaries.

The Talk, According to Damon

"Damon, may I speak with you a moment?" asked Father.

I stepped inside his study. Shit, I hoped this wasn't about Cynthia Ryland. Or Dana Ellington. Or Brianna Westor. Or any of them, for that matter.

Father looks at me, with that disappointed look he always has. I used to wonder if his face is permanently frozen like that, but then I realized that that look is only for me.

We stand there awkwardly until I realize that this isn't getting anywhere and I'd better say something and get the lecture over with. "So what did I do this time?"

Father looks uncomfortable. And nervous. Hmm, what could this be about? "I have a favor to ask of you," he finally says.

A favor? Must be something important. It's a huge blow to his pride to ask me of all people for anything. I decide to further drag out his humiliation by taunting him. I look around, feigning shock. "Me? You require a favor from your humble elder son? Why, Father, is there something you can't do yourself?"

Excellent, now he looks angry. I hope he loses it completely and goes off into one of his rants. Of course, I'd get a few smacks for it, but it makes him look so foolish that I'm willing to sacrifice.

But he sighs and says, "It's about your brother."

"Why? What happened to him?"

"He's growing up. He's twelve now, and I think it's time that he knew the, um, facts of life."

I can't help but smirk. "So you need to give him the talk." I remembered my own 'talk'. I'd already been caught in the act several times before Father finally decided to say something. He'd taken me aside, looked me straight in the eye, and said, 'I know any normal words will be lost in that tiny brain of yours, so let me just remind you: pull out or else.'

"Actually," he replies, bringing me back to the present, "I was hoping you could do it."

"WHAT?" This can't be real. No. No. No. It's a dream, right? Someone tell me that my father didn't just tell me to talk to Stefan about the birds and the bees.

"You heard me, Damon."

"No!"

"Why not? He's your brother. And besides, this is one of the few things that your dimwitted mind can understand."

I ignore the insult- I am perfectly capable of understanding things other than sex, thank you very much- and instead tried to talk some sense into him. "It's usually the father's job to do this kind of thing, isn't it?"

"I believe that Stefan might respond better to you. He looks up to you, even though you aren't much of a role model."

"He looks up to you, too."

"But in a different way. If I talk to him, it will just seem like another lecture." Obviously, he just wants to avoid giving the talk because he's too embarrassed. But that last statement does have some truth to it. Besides, Father's too much of a prude. "Fine, i'll do it."

..~0~..

Stefan's in the stables, brushing his horse. Okay, you can do this, I think to myself. I've never thought of myself as nervous, or cowardly in any way. But I don't think anyone has ever felt completely confident about this situation.

"Hi, Damon," Stefan says cheerfully.

"Stefan," I say. Suddenly, my throat gets tight and I can't seem to form the words properly. "Ineedatktyou."

"Sorry?"

I clear my throat and take a deep breath. "I need to talk to you."

"About what?"

All right, this beating around the bush is driving me crazy. I decide to put it bluntly. "Sex."

The look on Stefan's face is priceless. It makes me feel a bit better, knowing that there's at least one person more uncomfortable than I am. "What? Why?" he chokes. He looks as if he's about to die of embarrassment.

"Because everyone has to hear it sooner or later."

"I already know some things. We don't really need to talk about this," he protests.

"You think you know, but this is about a whole lot more than just the basic mechanics of it."

He groaned. "Father put you up to this, right? He wants you to give me a lecture on abstinence, right?"

"Probably."

"See? Why even bother talking to me about it? It's just going to give both of us unnecessary emotional trauma." I have to admit, he has a point. But I can't let him know that, so I force myself to keep going.

"Actually, I'm not even going to bother with abstinence, because 1. That would be hugely hypocritical, and 2. You wouldn't listen, anyway. So I'm going to tell you what I think."

Stefan looks at me. I can tell he's actually curious, but he doesn't want me to know that. I guess that's a good sign. Now, where should I start? Crap, I really should have planned this out earlier. "Okay, so you have to be smart about this. Don't go for random whores unless you're sure they don't have... Well. You know."

Stefan looks slightly horrified. "Okay. No whores. I get it."

"Okay... good, I guess. All right. Also, you have to make sure that the girl has a good time, too. No matter what. See, if she doesn't... I mean, if she doesn't like it, then you won't, either. And then it makes you look bad."

"But," says Stefan, looking like he wants to fall through the floor and die, but continues talking anyway, "How?"

I hand him the book I've been holding. "This will tell you everything you need to know about that."

"Thanks, Damon," he replies, reading the title. "I think I've heard of this."

"It's a classic. Everyone should read it at some point. Oh, and one more thing, Stefan." This is going to be harder than everything else was to say, but he has to hear this, if nothing else. "A lot of girls are just airheads who really don't care about much more than marrying a guy with money. But... Well, there are some that are a lot more. And when you find one of those, don't let her go."

Stefan looks surprised, like he can't believe I'm the one saying this. And neither can I.

Whoa. That was embarrassing. I suddenly feel the need to undo that. "Plus," I say, grinning, "If you're ever with that girl, and you're in bed, and things are getting good, picture my face. Like this." I look down for a second, then give him my signature look, the one I use to get girls to notice me: the smirky, flirty eye-thing.

"Damon!" he yells, punching me in the arm. "Why would you do that? Now you've destroyed my chances of ever being with a girl!" He storms angrily out of the stable.

"That was the idea!" I call after him, laughing hysterically. "So I can have that girl!"

(Hey, don't judge me. All the cool older brothers do this.)

..~0~..

145-ish Years Later

"You know," Elena mused, staring up at the darkened ceiling of Damon's bedroom, "For some reason, Stefan always stopped when we got to that part."

Damon rolled over to face her. "What part?" he asked.

She pulled the sheets up around them. "You know what part."

"Really? You're telling me this now? Here? In my bed?" he asks, trying not to sound too annoyed.

She suddenly looked guilty. "Sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. Forget I said it."

"No, it's..." he trailed off suddenly, realizing what had happened. He grinned. "I can't believe he still remembers."

"Remembers what?"

"Nothing. Just an important conversation."

She raises her eyebrows. "Not THAT conversation, right?"

"Actually, yeah."

"Oh my God. Why you?"

"What do you mean, why me? Why not me?"

"He must be scarred for life now!" exclaimed Elena.

"He can hear you!" yelled Stefan from downstairs.

There was a silence as long and awkward as when a guy tries to give his kid brother the talk.

The End

Author's Note: okay, i hope you all enjoyed that. Now please review so I can know whether it was good or not. Oh, and by the way, I know the thought of Damon doing his eye thing sounds hot, but since Stefan's his brother, I think he would just be incredibly disturbed by it.


End file.
